Check out its teeth - they're just dogs who prefer fish.

Happy new year! I had a great festive season – my brother Andrew came to visit. When I was a pup, me and Andrew used to spend whole days sleeping. It was good to see that he hasn’t changed and still has a mattress fused to his back.

I thought dogs slept a lot, but dear Dog he takes the dog biscuit.

Mum’s friend Eileen also came to stay, but she’s wise to me now and kept her bedroom door closed so I couldn’t steal her pants. I still laugh at framing Rudy for that last year.

Santa wasn’t really good to me though. I asked for a flock of live ducks, a year’s supply of steak and a lovely golden retriever called Cindy. But he obviously didn’t get my note because I got a fluffy toy and one tiny bag of dog biscuits – have you ever tasted them? Try chewing on some sawdust and you’ll get the picture.

On the upside, we did get to hang out with mum and dad and go new places to walk. The best walk was along the beach at Owhio Bay where I found sound rank seafood to eat and Rudy rolled in a rotten seal. That was so funny. A dog has done his job when he makes his mum retch!

I’m glad it was dead though – have you seen the teeth on a seal?!

My new year’s resolutions are to kick the crap out of Rudy on a regular basis, work out ways to look pathetic so mum lets me on the bed and finally getting next door’s cat who has been flicking the Vs at me for months. So pretty much like last year then!

Give me a crappy cuddly toy for Christmas would you...grrrrr

Me and Rudy loved this story about the cheeky seal that climbed in through the catflap and had a wee lie on the sofa here in NZ. It soon got kicked back into the sea, but we liked its style.

It’s the same in our house. Just as you’re getting comfy, you get kicked off the sofa and back in the crappy dog bed.

It’s a bone of contention in our house – should dogs get on the sofa? Cesar Milan ie he who thinks he knows dogs but who should keep his big fat mouth shut, reckons dogs should know their place – and that’s on the floor. Apparently we start to get ideas above our station if we get some perks. Oh really?

I reckon I should not only get on the sofa, but actually sleep in the bed with my dad and Rudy and mum can sleep on the floor. Oh, and get steak and fish and chips and ice cream. And get to go wherever dad goes every day. But no…thanks to Cesar Muppet Features, I’m lucky if I get the odd five minutes on the sofa and I have to practically beg to get my dinner.

Mum reckons we make the sofa stink. So? She must be used to our aroma by now, or she could get a leather sofa.

Rudy gets on the sofa all the time. That’s because he is a shameless tart and persists until mum gives up. She still thinks he’s a puppy. I have more dignity (or maybe I was brainwashed at the evil training classes I had to go to), but if he’s up, I’m up.

Mum likes the cosying in, but dad kicks us off. What he doesn’t know is she lets us lie on his side of the bed when he’s not there haha.

Cesar Know It All doesn’t know the number 1 rule in the Dog Handbook – always target the weakest link.

They didn’t take me to the vet, which is a bit shocking if you ask me. Mum just told me it served me right, and starved me for a day then fed me on rice and chicken for week. She’s been here before with me and reckons that if I’m still able to batter Rudy, then I don’t need a vet.

Then I ripped my claw in two. The pain! Mum bathed it in some disgusting stuff called TCP. I licked it off, and it gave me the dry boke. She didn’t like the look of it so, off to the vet I went. The animal waited until I wasn’t looking then hacked half my nail off with a massive pair of shears.

Then to add insult to injury, he wrapped my foot in a pink bandage. Rudy will be laughing on the other side of his face.

On a brighter note, check out this heroic deer taking on the evil swan spawn of the devil. Haha, I nearly laughed my titanic titanium tooth off. Mind you, I do feel bad because I have chased a few deer in the past. Never again. They are indeed the Monarch of the Glen. I wish I had antlers.

We can run through fields and chase cats any time - our one dream is to have several hours of unsupervised access to the kitchen. And my dream came true.

Mum got wise to us trashing the bedrooms and started closing the doors properly, but we sussed out that if we pushed the sliding door into the living room we could get underneath it and into the kitchen. Yeehah.

We couldn’t open the fridge, more’s the pity, so we had to make do with the bin and the larder. So for morning snack that day we had a 3-day old chicken carcass which was almost as good as the 3-week old one I once found under a bush, only minus the maggots. I even found mum’s half-chewed slipper, so I finished that off.

We also had chocolate biscuits, coconut, nuts, sugar and raisins. I opened a packet of cocoa but couldn’t work the kettle so we just sprayed that about the kitchen for a laugh.

My new dogwalker/girlfriend Justine came to take us out for a walk and she was well-impressed…her eyes popped out of her head. Mum and Dad didn’t do anything when they got home except sigh and tidy it up. I think my girlfriend had spilled the beans (we’d have done it ourselves, but we couldn’t work the tin-opener!)

We were sent to bed without any supper and totally ignored all night and I was sick for two days, but I don’t care. It was worth it.

My new dream involves swans and a chainsaw…it will happen.

Me and Rudy after our feast

Mum has gone back to work and left me all alone. Well except for the wee nyaff.  No more lying in the sun, eating biscuits, running on the beach, cuddles, episodes of Coach Trip.

It was fun having her at my beck and call every day, but I guess it had to come to an end sooner or later. If it gets us a house with decent heating then it’s a price worth paying. It’s bloody freezing here in New Zealand and we live in a shed. I was told it was warm here – more human lies! We have a big heater but we’re always getting moved away from it…bah. I have to resort to cuddling Rudy to stay a hot dog!

The one bonus is I have a new girlfriend called Justine. She is our dogwalker and comes to take us out to play every lunchtime. And we still get to hang out with Mum and Dad and go cycling at the weekends so I will just have to put up with it.

I couldn’t let Mum off with it entirely though, so I chewed her new merino gloves. She didn’t even get angry – she just sighed and gave me her leftover stew. She knows she’s in the wrong and that she deserved it.

I’m not into older women and the deaf one tried to bite me so I stayed well away from them both and played my favourite game – annoy Rudy.

We were supposed to be playing Fetch with Mum, but I don’t do fetching. I’m a gundog, so of course I know how to fetch, I just choose not to. I’ve evolved beyond being a human tool…so instead I steal the ball or stick from Rudy and watch him go mental trying to get it back. He’s desperate to be a good boy and take it back to his mummy, but he can never catch me. I let him almost get his gnashers on it, then I go up a gear and he’s eating dust. It’s so funny, even Mum laughs.

She reckons I’m like my dad – I just like being awkward. Too right.

The oldies from next door didn’t cramp my style thankfully, and I managed to attract the attentions of a young blonde fellow German (Shepherd rather than Pointer). The flirtatious young pup stole Rudy’s ball and was teasing me with it.

Things were going well until my wing man ruined everything. Ooh he was not happy at her pinching his ball. He only has eyes for his mum and snapped at my ladyfriend so we were taken away before he totally lost it. So the narky little sod ruined my chances with Frau Blondie.

Maybe I’ll see her again…I’ll just have to bring an extra ball, just for her.

It freaked me out, so I had to chew Mum and Dad’s skip caps – well, unless you work in Burger King, wearing a skip cap in your 40s is really naff so I’ve done them a favour really. It was Dad’s favourite North Face cap which he had to buy after I chewed the last one, so I expect to experience a volcano as well when he gets back.

No doubt he’ll be threatening us with the crate again.

Apparently New Zealand is called the Shakey Isles. Rudy started singing ‘This Ol House…’ but I had no idea what he was on about. He shares Mum’s taste in music and although Dad has told me to chew her Ipod, I’m not that brave.

I chewed the hats because Mum had ran out of dog chews so what does she expect me to do…gnaw on Rudy? I have tried, but he tastes like he smells. The woman has nothing better to do, so there is no excuse for running out of dog supplies.

She said it was the first time the earth had moved for her in a long time. I just laughed along with her, but I had no idea what she was talking about either. Her and Rudy were made for each other.

Check out www.gundogblog.net for more of my patter.

So, another day, another run along the beach. Me and Rudy were having a right laugh. I had a good roll about on a dead seagull, dined on some rotten seafood, then lapped up some dog sick until She Who Should Probably Be Obeyed bellowed “Leave It” so loudly that all the dogs within 5k dropped whatever they were doing.

Rudy was desperately hunting for a shag (you wouldn’t find that funny if you were neutered) so I decided to help him even though I know that birds that can swim AND fly are only catchable if they’re dead. He never stops trying though.

Then I saw them. The Three Swans of the Apocalypse.

I had hoped that a change of continent and hemisphere would mean I’d never have to see those feathered fiends again, let alone Black Ninja Swans with beaks bloody red from pecking dogs’ eyes out.

Oh my Dog. I almost jumped out of my skin. I haven’t been that scared since…well since I got my butt kicked by a swan.

I scarpered and hid behind a bush. Rudy waded out to have a go, but even Jack the Ripper of the bird world turned tail and ran when they started to glide towards him full of evil feathered menace.

Is nowhere safe? Bang goes my dream of taking up watersports!

When I was forced into a big wooden box, I must admit it didn’t look good. We were placed somewhere dark and noisy for 30 hours and I did wonder if we were off to the big field in the sky to live with Dog. I couldn’t see Rudy, but I can always smell him so I knew he was there too.

Dazed and confused – and not to mention starving – I was eventually let out of the box and taken out for a pee. Dog only knows where I was, but it sure smelled funny.

Then I heard a voice: “Hello Otto.” At first, I thought it was an angel but it only turned out to be my Mum. I didn’t know whether to kiss her or bite her for leaving me.

She seem so pleased to see me that I couldn’t stay mad with her.  

Turns out we’ve moved to New Zealand, which is about as far away from Lanarkshire as you can get without going into space.

And so far, I have to say the weeks of anguish were worth it. The wide open spaces, the water, the sunshine, the lack of broken Buckie bottles…I love it.

Rudy has heard there are birds with no wings here – sounds like we really are in Heaven after all.

Help me! I’ve been collared and I’m stuck in the Chokey on a long stretch, but I’m an innocent dog. I didn’t touch those chickens and that duck. It’s a miscarriage of justice. My only crime is being related to the real murderer!

I can’t get a lawyer because apparently dogs have no rights. We’ll see about that. My mum has been phoning me according to the prison warder (who’s actually very nice), but they won’t let me talk to her. And now there is talk of deportation! 

To make matters worse, they have stuck me in the same cell as the murderous little swine and the Chokey is set beside a lake. With lots of ducks. I think they’re trying to break him, but they don’t know him. He never gives up whether it’s trying to get on the sofa, sneaking under the duvet, stealing my tea, bird murder…

I had an inkling something was going on, but Mum found the knife and screwdriver I’d hidden in my bed. Even if we did break out, I know we’re not in Lanarkshire because I haven’t seen a single Buckie bottle and they talk posh.

The warder says we’ll be out soon, but I have seen them working on the big wooden box and heard them say we’re going up into the sky! Help! If I get out of here in one piece, I will be a reformed character. I will never go near another bird in my life! I’ll even volunteer with the RSPB.

In the meantime, I’m teaching myself the law. I’ve seen the Shawshank Redemption…